Be Still

Be Still and know that I am God....  Psalms 46:10

I arrived Saturday afternoon at the guest house, and by 7pm was utterly exhausted. I began the day at 3:30 in the morning and departed Nashville on the 5:30 flight. With not sleeping much Friday night, early morning Saturday, long flights, 50 degree climate change, and the cultural shock again, I was DONE..... 

I am usually not a sleeper, but between Saturday and Sunday I was clocking around 10 hours of sleep and today I feel a lot better.

I started writing this blog post 3 days ago, but I apparently have developed ADD while here and cant seem to finish anything I start. But it's nighttime now and my brain is going crazy so I thought I would write.

Do you ever have this feeling like you are watching yourself from the outside, like some other person is living in your body and you are watching everything happen from so far away unable to shed any light on the situation? This has been my week. I feel like my world is spinning all around me and for the life of me, I can't seem to get in my own head and calm it down. I came with a small agenda and after this week the majority of that agenda will have been addressed, so I am struggling with actually being still and listening. I am a go-getter, always on the go, must have a daily/weekly/mothly agenda, know exactly what I am to accomplish by a deadline. Here- there is no agenda, and I know this, but struggling more this time with letting go of my agenda world and focusing on what He is asking me to do.

I will be honest with you all. I turned 29 last week and thought at this point, my life would look much different. I would be married, possibly talking babies or one in the oven, careers in order and life goals organized. I guess it's a good thing we don't plan our lives, because mine is obviously much more awesome that I had pictured, but I have still been feeling sort of "left behind"- I am at the age where all my friends are having babies and getting married, and seem to be excelling in life- of course thats what FB wants you to think...  but anyways I know things will happen when they are supposed to. I have just really had a lot of free time on my hands and if you know anything about me, I don't do well with just chilling, especially in Haiti.

So, with all that said, my first week has been a struggle, different for me, yet interesting. I went to the O Monday and that was ok. I saw several familiar faces, one in particular!! But so so many new ones..... It makes me sad there are still so many children without parents or who cant care for their child, but also grateful there are places for them to stay until a forever family comes along.

I didn't go to the O on Tuesday, and at this very minute I really cant recall what I did... I have been reading a lot, OH- I remember..... we all went to lunch and then had an airport pick up and then I went to exchange money. I am laughing writing this because those 3 things literally took form 1-5pm.... in the states it might take 2 hours...maybe!

Wednesday was a fun day- I was able to go see the girls and of course my roomie! She is in country finalizing some details and we just happened to be here together, so naturally we must see each other for the entire day!

And so this leads me to today..... Today I think has been one of the hardest.... there are some things going on stateside that are really out of my control, but it is bothering me, and I am not focusing 100% efforts here. Also due to lack of transportation I missed a meeting that I was excited for this morning, but spent that time exercising and trying to clear the brain. I did however spend a few hours at the O and finally got my girl to let me out of the doghouse and enjoyed the day together. And then to top it off the house crew went for pizza!!!

Tomorrow is a new day and excited for a new meeting and hopes to see where it will lead. I am also working to focus myself back on being here and being still and learning to be ok with no agenda..

Wish me luck...

1 Year Recap

Last Sunday marked 1 year since I first left for Haiti. Where did the time go.....  I spent some time trying to recap my last year and the my memories, and did a great job in my head, but when I went to write it didn't quite turn out the way I had hoped. So I decided to not share.

 It amazes me daily how much I can possibly think about!! :)

I have posted a few things since returning from my trip. but for the most part I have kept pretty quiet, so today I have decided to open back up and share a few things. Its been a struggle, but I am happy to report that I have a few things up my sleeve and I am excited to get things moving in a positive direction!!

I have been doing a lot of behind the scenes work- mostly just in my head, but I am actually making some progress on paper.

I am going back to Haiti in April to work and visit with the kids, visit friends, help my housemates with their pretty awesome Harvest 107 projects, establish new connections through multiple organizations I have been in communication with, and begin this new milestone.

I would love to have your support on this adventure as well as following along for updates and progress made!!!



Much Love-
  Ashley

The Transition

    So as most of you know, I went back to Haiti in June for a week to check on the kiddos, visit with friends, and check out a potential new opportunity. I arrived in Haiti on Saturday June 14^th, and was picked up from the airport by Holly and Duckens. I landed and felt as though I never left. The three of us spent the day together, and picking up where we left off. I remember telling the girls (Callie and Holly) how crazy it is that I have already been gone for 2 months, but it feels like it was just a weekend away. That evening we sat on the patio talking about life in Haiti and in the States, how everyone was doing, the purpose of our existence, and what the next steps are for all of us. The following day we attended Church at PAP Fellowship. This is a church where a lot of missionaries attend so it was great to see everyone. It felt like church back in the states where you actually know everyone and stay after to chat for a bit. 

   I always love the way God puts me in the right spot and exactly the right time. You see the night before we were all talking about where I was going  next, and what I was struggling with, and what I wanted to do. The message that day in church was about transition. The pastor was moving back to Australia with his family after serving in Haiti for several years and was preparing the church for the new pastor. The message was about being happy through the storms because you know at the end of it you see the wonderful rainbow.  It was about being a light in the darkness, being positive when all you felt was negativity, about being calm when you felt anxious, and being still when you have a thousand things on the to-do list. This message was exactly what I needed to hear, because to be honest the month of May sucked. I mean, like I had a crummy attitude about life, I felt snobbish about the luxuries I had and that others didn’t even have clear drinking water, and that all I was focusing on was getting back to Haiti., and not living life. I felt stuck and lost. I came back after the 3 months full of life, cleansed, rejuvenated, and ready to enjoy my new life. However, the transition hit hard, really hard.  I hated work, hated working with such high class personnel that complained about the new computer system we were implanting, how they were too busy for a few extra clicks, and how this changed their workflow. And instead of being my bright and smiley self that I was in Haiti, I became irritated and frustrated and for lack of better words- over it. I was over it all. School started back, and it was going to be a killer semester, which is still proving to be a challenge.

   Sitting in that message and listening to him preach on the impotence of patience (something I lack a lot of) and waiting on God to make the move mad eke realize I had not been doing this. I have learned over the years that I can not rush anything even if I try my hardest. It is all on His timing, not mine. Never has been and never will be. The message touched my heart in ways I didn’t know were possible. I love how He orchestrates everything. We had the conversation the night before, prayed about it, and then sat in the service receiving the answer.

  I left the service that morning with a newfound energy and ready to wait, to be patient, and to listen to His calling and not my selfish desires.

   The rest of the day was spent poolside at El Rancho. It was a slight overcast day, which made for the best laying out and girl chatting time. That evening we went back to the house, cooked a yummy dinner and sat on the patio enjoying the nice breeze. I missed the simple life. The one where the internet connection is spotty if at all, the one where you sit on the patio and talk instead of always running around town doing endless tasks or always checking social media, and the one where you actually take a minute and enjoy the world around you.

   Monday morning started out great and since it was going to be a HOT day, Holly and I got an early start. We were going to the O to see the kids and work with the new interns on a few things before I left that afternoon. We arrived at the O around 9:30 and I was overwhelmed with all the screaming Ms Ashley’s here!!!!  My heart was happy. The kids were smiling from ear to ear, and by the time I reached the back of the O, I had about 10 little ones attached to my body. I spent the morning taking the kids outside, checking on Wilson (not in a chair- a little disappointed), taking all the babies out of their cribs, interacted with them, checking on the older kids (school is out for the summer) and meeting with the new interns. Overall the day was good. I discovered a few unsettling things, but after discussing them with Pierre and the interns I think we left with some new direction and ways to improve! We stayed through lunch and was so happy to have rice and beans again. :) I was missing it for sure, and the nannies and cooks spoiled us with SO MUCH FOOD!!!  We left in the late afternoon and promised I would see the kids again in September (I will be there for another week). I hugged and kissed my little girl Benchina good bye- I really wish I could just pack her up. Izzy really needs a sister, and I think she would like our park adventures…… :)

   Later that evening Colleen and Eric picked me up from the girl’s house. And we were on our way to see Three Angels. Colleen and I had been communicating for about 3 weeks about Three Angels and their needs and ways she thought I would be able to assist. I do not finish school until December and knew I could not make any permanent plans to live in Haiti or work full time with them until at least January, but wanted to see the organization and what the needs might entail. This would give me the opportunity to see the medical clinic, the orphanage, and the school, and allow me to see if we would “fit” together.  I spent the week observing and helping out where I could. I mapped out the clinical workflows, played with the kids, helped in the medical clinic, learned how to roll beads, and made new relationships. I traveled with Holly and Duckens to visit his really, really sick grandmother who was called home the following day. I spent one morning training and working with the nurses on new techniques for med administration. I learned their hand off process. I sat in on a few adoption meetings. And finally I finished the week with a wonderful meal prepared by Eric and his wife. The week went by fast, but during those 7 days I learned a lot about myself…..

   I learned that I am not ready for Haiti full time as heart breaking as this is. I learned that I have to finish this masters program (which is done in December !). I learned that I am not being patient and waiting on His calling, and I learned that this trip was exactly what I needed. I needed to go, to get out of the US, to hear the transition message, to see how an organization is run efficiently, to build additional relationships, and to embrace the moment in which I am in.

   It has taken me a long (I procrastinated a bit) to write this blog post, because it is not want I want, but I now know it is what HE wants. He will guide me and direct me where He wants me to be. He did before and I have no reason to doubt He wont again.

   So for now, I am embracing work, and smile when people complain about meaningless tasks, because I know this is all temporary. I am enjoying meeting new people. I am working on building up my current relationships and not shutting people out. I am finishing summer school (trying to with a smile, but struggle some days).  I am living life in the moment and not wishing it away. And I am being still.

  I have enjoyed all the support everyone has shown and I am looking forward to seeing what is next….. Whenever that may be….. :) 

So as I stated before.... stay turned...... I don't think we are finished yet!

   

              

         

   

                     

Until Next Time Haiti!!!!!        

 And just because she is the cutest little thing :)

The Reality...... With a Good Ending :)

The reality…

So I have now sat down three different times to write this post. Once at three weeks back stateside, the other about two weeks ago and now this one tonight. Lets hope it actually makes it to the publish option.

Each section is from the different times I sat down and decided to leave it alone. I hope it isn't too confusing :) 

I have been back in the states for a little over 3 weeks with only spending one night back in my condo for the first time since Feb 6^th. I have been staying with friends or traveling with the family. I got used to community living so the thought of living solo is a little much so I just have “sleepovers” with everyone!!

The transition is going…. Some days better than others, but I am trying to adjust. My biggest struggle right now is having the mindset of “it doesn’t even matter.” If you read the last blog I shared my experience with Francis Chan and the dramatic impact his beliefs have over my life. Francis talks a lot about moving His Kingdom forward and making disciples. So I keep asking myself, am I doing this. Am I seeking His desires for my life and not getting wrapped up in the “cultural” lifestyle.

I went to my house on the 4^th day of being back stateside, and I sat in my basement for about an hour disgusted with the amount of unnecessary stuff that I have and thought at one point I needed. I have always been a clothes person- not as bad as some, but after wearing the same outfits for 3 months you understand that you do not need a surplus of clothes. I eventually got myself together and started the purge process. I do not need all of these clothes, bags, shoes, household items, and all the miscellaneous house décor. So slowly I packed things up and sold them.

So this transition period is taking a little longer than I thought. I go back to work tomorrow. I was originally supposed to go back Monday the 5^th but due to Nathan going to NC for a summer job I was excused from work and made the trip with Mom and Nathan. So now I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks because I want so bad to not have to go back. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have a good job, it pays the bills, but I left for a reason. I wanted a change and felt the calling to go- go serve others, and let someone else deal with physicians and the new government standards. I accomplished this in Haiti. See the difference is- the providers and staff that I work with have the ability to feed themselves, bathe themselves, and seek medical care- my kids don’t. I was needed there- here I was missed, but not needed. Big difference. They did just fine with me gone. Scary thought, because I am still in school and need the job to pay the bills and such and I do work with some pretty cool peoples, BUT they survived while I was gone. They did it- it might have been a change in pace or thought process, but they made it! 

Well- that was not a fun day. I arrived at work around 9 am, sat in the office with the doors closed for an hour and after a 30 minute freak out session I had to leave. I scurried out the back door praying for nobody to see me, and thankfully I made it. I took a small walk around campus before meeting up with a few friends after one of their meetings. I lasted there about another hour, and then left. I couldn’t do it- I tried to listen and care about what was being said, and the new changes, but it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. All I could think about was Wilson, and Benchina, and Wilda, and the triplets, and Job, and Peterson, and Elysee, and Elie, and Jean Marc, and Josue, and the 65 of them. And I wondered how they were doing, did they go outside and play today, did they sit in their highchairs to eat, did they learn any new Math skills, were they being “good”, were the toys that I left being played with?????  And in my mind, a complaint coming from a person that drove themselves to a job wearing clean clothes and had a full belly seemed so silly. Nobody gets it. Does it really make a difference in the Grande scheme of things that you are not able to dictate a letter without touching a key stroke, or that now you actually have to order your own desired test for a patient?????? Now don't get me wrong, modern medicine is pretty freaking awesome, and I am thankful I am apart of it. It has saved so many lives, and part of the reason I went into Nursing. I am just on a different page now.......

The wrong attitude- I know, so that’s why I left. I went home that day, took Izzy for a nice long walk, chatted with my housemates, prayed a lot, and decided to give it another try tomorrow.

So here is the latest news:

Looking back on that week I knew it was God’s way of getting me in gear. I had been living in no mans land for weeks. I got myself registered for school again, processed things out with my renter, moved back in my house, worked on the adjustment with Izzy, found a new church, and started writing- writing a lot. But I hadn't really reached out much to anyone about doing more in Haiti or other opportunities. And it wasn't until the first full week of work that I started researching  I researched every possibly organization known to man, ways to get involved, connected with countless people who needed help, emailed medical directors, nurses,and friends. I researched, and I researched, and I learned. I learned so much about organizations and their goals and passions. And I have been in contact with about 10 different organizations that are in need of help- most of them medical. I have been overwhelmed with joy when I look at my inbox and every title is Help in Haiti.

So to save you the boring details of the rest of my transition and the daily struggles (not really boring to me- its been a struggle) I will share my good news!!!!

I AM GOING BACK TO HAITI!!!! 

It is only for a week this time, but I am ecstatic. I am going to visit an organization to see if we are a “fit” for one another and discuss opportunities for the near future J I am also getting to see and stay with Holly and the girls, visit my kiddos and have a few days to visit all my friends!!! 

And thanks to a wonderful generous soul, my flight costs have been minimal (not working for 3 months and then paying for school tuition killed the money tree out back).

The details:

I fly out June 14^th and cannot wait. I re-read my last post and smiled. The last sentence reads- my adventure isn’t over- its just the beginning. I have doubted this statement a lot over the past month, but I knew He was working and my patience would have to hold me through. It is always on His timing.

So I will ask you to stay tuned, as you know I will keep you all posted on the details and my week there. And pray as I have several “things” up my sleeve and waiting on confirmation before I jump……

YAY a happy smile :)  

BTW- I haven't told the little yet......  she isn't going to be happy..... 

Reflection

It is Monday afternoon around 4:30- the time I would be getting home from the O. I am sitting on the porch listening to wind-chimes blowing in the wind and reflecting on my last 3 months. I have had a lot of time to sit and reflect and I am in constant awe of my life right now. I left Nashville TN almost 3 months ago in a state of distress and not in a good place. I had a lot of shame, guilt, anger, and questioned everything that crossed my path. I wanted answers and to understand the "why ". 

I left for Haiti on February 8th with no desire to ever return. I was secretly praying that God would use this time to show me how I could permanently live in Haiti and never have to return to the States. I thought, "of course I would miss family, but I can fly back once or twice a year and visit for a few weeks." Haiti is where I belong and where I need to be. They need me- they need my knowledge, and my skills, and I can make this country better. I needed an escape- an escape from reality. A time to reflect and to figure things out. And so I left. 

The weeks leading up to the move were challenging to say the least. I had so much to finalize, say my goodbyes, try to keep emotions in check, and process out my life. I boarded the plane with excitement, but scared out of my mind. Is this actually happening, am I really leaving, will I ever return, and what happens if something happens to Izzy or a family member. I am thankful for the people on the flight that wanted to converse- they helped me let go of my worry, and chill out. 

Over the past 3 months I have gone through just about every emotion possible. I cried the entire first week there (at bed time)  I spent days/weeks begging God to show me my future and to fix me. I prayed like I have never prayed before for a new future, to let go of the past, to guide me to doing His will, and to be something to these children. I searched high and low for every possible way to stay in Haiti. I came up with many ideas of what I was going to do, and what I wanted to do. 

The month of February, God was teaching me to be still, giving me the ability to sit and be ok with just sitting, and teaching me how to pray. My mom bought all the women in my family the Beth Moore- 10 week devotional for Christmas. Courtney and I were planning on doing this while I was gone. I started mine the day I left. I was gone exactly 70 days- the devotional was exactly 70 days. Each day, the message was exactly what I needed, and I used this month to dig in and read as well as adjust to my new lifestyle. 

The month of March was busy- really busy. The Pfaff family arrived, the Texas team of 14 arrived, Tawnya and her team of 3 arrived, Julie and her daughter arrived, and then there was Holly, Lucknie, and myself. I learned a lot about each individual person, but I also had a lot of unexplained emotion I was dealing with as well. Things at the O were not going in a way I desired, I let my frustrations, worry, and doubt overrule my thought process a few days. I was playing hostess to a lot of people, and felt this huge sense of responsibility and along trying to understand my purpose for this journey, and where did I fit into this organized chaos. I continued with my devotionals, but fell short a few days. The days I missed were meant to be missed, because when I actually got it it (usually a day late) it was the message I needed to hear at the exact moment. I like to think of March as my "split wide open" month. Everything was coming out- in a raw form. And I was learning how to process it all in the mix of a house full of people, 70 kids, 65 Haitian adults, and in a chaotic environment. When family would send e-mails or texts saying how much they missed me- I hated replying back. I didn't miss it. I had my heels dug in the sand with no desire of returning. The thought even made me sick to my stomach. 

If you have been reading any of these blogs, then you know Holly. Holly is my roomie, and now my best friend. She was my vessel, and I think I was hers. It took me a bit to open up and share my story with her, but I have learned that everyone has ghosts in their closets, and just like me- Holly is human. We have spent more time than I can recall in deep conversations about life, our Heavenly Father, our purpose, and our passions. On April 6th, a video sermon by Francis Chan was shared with me. It was a Sunday. The morning and day were very busy, and we had just celebrated my birthday the night before. I was so behind on laundry that when we got home from church and our outings I went outside to wash my clothes. Holly had plans that evening to visit some friends, so I decided when she left I would watch the sermon. I sat there for the entire hour and a half in silence. I listened, participated as though I was in the front row, and I experienced emotions leaving my body that I didn't know I was holding on it. I let it all out. When I finally lifted up my head and wiped my eyes, I felt a hundred pounds lighter. My heart felt whole, my mind was clear, and for the first time in over a year I felt peace. 

For the next 3 weeks instead of dreading my departure I was actually looking forward to returning. I had been cleansed and given a new life. I was on fire. I just finished reading the book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and I highly recommend it to everyone. The past year I have been on a mission to figure out my purpose in the world. I was created to do more than wake up, work out, sit in meetings, go home, sleep and do it all over again. There is so much more to life, and I am ready to see it unravel before my eyes. Francis Chan hits the nail on the head in his book and teachings, and I found myself saying YES to so much of what he was saying. In addition to his teaching, I have watched several documentaries- one in particular titled I AM. The director of the film helps to address two questions- "whats wrong with our world, and what can we do to make it better?" The puzzle pieces are forming...... 

The last few days in Haiti were memorable, and I have been so blessed by every. single. person. I have been in contact with over the last 3 moths. I landed stateside Saturday around 12:30, passed customs and immigration, re-checked bags, went through security, and boarded my flight to Nashville with a smile. I was going home. I have no idea what my future holds, but I know I am surrendering to His will and will go where He says "Go". 

I would like to thank each individual person who made this journey a reality for me. For those who followed along, donated money and supplies, those who prayed, sent emails, shared their stories, listened to where my heart was all along the way, took care of all my stateside life (bills, the little, my house, work, etc), prayed with me, laughed with me, took care of me, and most importantly loved me, THANK YOU. Without each of you this would not have been possible. My gratitude for this is immeasurable!

My journey is not over, it is just beginning. 

See you Soon

  Friday afternoon I said my good-byes to the kiddos. I had been preparing for my departure all week long so it wouldn’t be so hard on all of us Friday afternoon. The day started out like all the others. Wilson was up in his chair, the babies on the front porch, the little kids outside playing, and the other kids playing soccer and Frisbee. It was Good Friday so there was no school. I loved it- a complete free day for us to reflect on the real reason for Easter and a day for us to play together before my departure.

We spent the entire day together. I finalized up a few Admin things, communicated some things to Pierre, and then spent my day hanging out with all of the kids. We colored, played soccer, talked about what I would do in the states, and their anticipation of their homecomings.  I fed the babies lunch, rocked them all a bit, played superman with them, ate fruit snacks with the toddlers, and polished up on my mass diaper changing skills one last time.

The day was great. I kept my mind busy so I wouldn’t think about not seeing these little rugrats for a long time.

I left the O around 4:30. It wasn’t as hard as I had imagined and I was super proud of myself for not sheading any tears in front of the kids. I think the “I will see you soon” thought process I kept telling myself helped me get through this. The reality is- I may not see then soon, or ever worse, ever again. I think this hit when the gates to the house opened up. I walked up to my room and just sat there- tears rolling down my face, but a smile on my face. I was sad to leave the kids, but I knew that during my stay, they were loved, cared for, happy, and made a priority. If I only touched one child my entire journey, then it was worth it. I went into this trip with the mindset of I am going to teach them everything about hygiene, diseases, cleanliness, etc. What I did not expect is for them to give me more than I could have imagined and so much more than I gave them. I sat there and looked over my photos, and knew that one child was touched, Benchina. Benchina was a quiet, shy, depressed looking little girl when I arrived. The pictures below is my first week with her- the first time she let me hold her, the first time she let me take her outside without crying. The third picture is my last day. She has made the biggest transition, her brain has been stimulated, her spirit is alive, and she is the happiest little girl. The tears went away as I kept scrolling through the pictures. 

My Good Morning Greeting :)

I knew this part of my journey was complete, and I could do nothing but rejoice. I have been given a new life because of 68 beautiful hearts overwhelmingly full of love.  I pray I touched their lives as much as they did mine.

Until next time. I will see you all soon :):):)