God Why??

    I apologize for not writing more and more often. My weeks are getting busier and busier and I have had a lot on my mind this week.

    Have you ever sat and asked God Why? Why do bad things happen to good, honest people? Why’s there so much suffering, hunger, preventable death, unforeseen death, and heartache. We always say God Provides and He always does, but to what extent. This weeks events have led to me to ask this question a lot. I don’t understand, and not sure I will ever understand why things happen and the timing of things. I have also been on that emotional rollercoaster again. My friends back home know my past with a lot rollercoaster riding, so lets hope the ride stops soon. I feel like I am adjusting to the culture a little and just going with it- instead of trying to fix everything. When I have that mentality, I am overwhelmed with total sadness  and I get absolutely noting accomplished. I just sit and stare in space and ask God Why. Why don’t people have money for food, why are their “street children” and where is their mother? Did she die in the earthquake and they have been living like this since then? Why are so many children in Orphanages? Why do we find dead babies in the back room of a tent when the only symptom was diarrhea, but the family had no money for a doctor visit? Why is there filth everywhere?

   Monday afternoon was this day- I sat there and asked questions, but then heard this amazing music playing, and after realizing it wasn’t the church next door, I grabbed Holly and we took off for an adventure. And what we discovered is through all the Why’s, the sufferings, and heartaches were thousands- like 7,000 people worshipping, singing, dancing, praising, and yelling for our one King- the King of all Kings. It was probably the most amazing thing I have ever seen. For those back in the states- think it is as the best summer outside concert you have ever been to, but only better because it was all worship.

   I will give you a little background of why this was so awesome. I went to “Church on the Rock” two Sundays ago, and the preacher is American- and for the most part will preach in English. Which is awesome because I can actually get something out of it. But anyways- he kept on about this crusade that was happening, but because he will switch to creole mid story, I lost the dates of the event. Well the music was the crusade, and since it was Carnival this week- that’s when they decided to do the crusade.

   So Anyways, it was amazing to see this. People’s hands were raised; they were singing, worshiping, and giving everything they had to HIM. I sat in silence for a moment and took it all in. People might have not eaten today, or have clean water to drink, or a bed to rest their bodies on each night, but they were HERE, they were PRESENT, they SHOWED UP, and they were ALIVE. It was so refreshing and exactly what I needed. I have been hungry for a nice solid worship day and one I can understand and this was it- Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night. Absolutely Amazing!!!!!

   My weeks have been extremely busy- and I am very thankful, but I am completely exhausted when I get home so sitting down to journal/blog a recap of the days events are the last thing I want to do. I apologize in advance for this. I know I will wish I would have documented this trip more, but I am also on this journey to “figure” things out and follow my lead, so that’s what I am really trying to do. I have been here for 4 weeks now, and when thoughts of going home creep in my mind as my weeks pass by, a feeling of anxiety rises and I have to refocus my mind on something else. I am so very grateful for my life in the states, but part of the reason for me coming here is because I felt I am made for more- so going back and picking up where I left off seems to totally defeat this purpose. I am by no means making any plans- just letting things play out. It is just a little scary, that’s all.

  The Pfaff family arrived last Monday (March 3^rd) and they are such an amazing blessing to the O. I am in love with them all, and cannot express my gratitude for their feeling called to make a difference, and actually making a difference. We got off to a rocky start, but the last three days have been wonderful.

Week 3

   Forgive my lack of blogging lately, I have been living life here and really digging in to my work, so I haven’t had much downtime to sit and write. My evenings have been filled with research and reading, which is great- just doesn’t leave much room for me to write. The ideas are flowing, and after meeting with some really awesome people this week- I am slowly making some progress on my first project. Once it gets off to a start I will share, but we are still very fresh. This week has been a little different than the others. The kids are getting more and more used to my presence. My patience has been tested, and after a few discussions my translator will only be with me on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday- which means Tuesdays and Friday’s might become a challenge. I am praying that this past Tuesday doesn’t repeat itself weekly, but if it does then I will just tackle it the best I know how.  March is also going to be extremely busy month- I have a family coming for an entire month- one who has never been on a mission trip nor been to Haiti, so I have a lot to do to help them adjust, and we have 2 teams coming this month as well.  I am getting settled into life here, and loving every minute of it. Going back to state life will be a difficult transition for sure. I still can’t believe I have been here for 3 weeks already. My time is flying by, and I am trying to hold on and seize every minute of it.  

   I did not go to the O this Friday due to some other agenda items I had, and honestly I think the break was much needed. I know this sounds crazy- I have only been here for 3 weeks, how do I already need a break. And here is the reason- I work with Adults in the states on a daily basis, so coming here and working with 68 children all but about 15 under the age of 5 can be exhausting some days especially when you speak different languages. So I took the day and enjoyed every minute of it. I spent the morning being selfish- set no alarm (but those who live here know you don’t sleep past 6:45- 7- and it felt amazing to sleep that late). I got up, got ready and did an hour and a half workout. It felt AMAZING. I work out daily here, but it is only for about 25-35 minutes- definitely a good sweat session, but I thoroughly enjoyed my extra long workout and was even sore the next day!!! I showered off and enjoyed breakfast with Holly. Oatmeal and banana- my favorite breakfast here! I had made a lunch date for noon and since Holy takes me everywhere with her- I decided she needed to come with me ☺. I then had a wonderful devotional time on the balcony before getting ready to leave. We stopped by the O to check on a few things, and then headed out. We had a wonderful session, and decided to treat ourselves with Kokoye’s and oh my- was it delicious. The best grilled pulled chicken sandwich ever and an ice-cold beverage. Ahhhh ☺. All in all it was a wonderful day. 

   Saturday was yet another great day as I had an awesome run and relaxing day followed by a going away dinner for Kyle. She is taking on a new position in Japan and leaves this week. I love meeting all the Americans here and learning what each one does. It is truly an inspiration to keep trudging along. Saturday night ended great- great new friends, socialization, and great food. 

   Sunday thus far has been wonderful. I went to Pub church this morning. Pub church is a small group of all Americans from Port Au Prince and the surrounding cities who gather together on Sunday for Service. I know I will soon get over the initial shock of every time I see another American my face lightens up- I am learning there are A LOT of Americans here and everyone knows everyone. It’s so funny to me- Port Au Prince is so populated- yet everyone in some form or fashion is connected together. I love it. After church the pub turns into an actual restaurant where I had a SALAD- yep- greens, cheese, grilled chicken (WHAT!?!), tomato’s- the whole nine-yards!!!  It was delicious, and I even had coffee while I waited. I haven’t had coffee or any caffeine for that matter in 4 weeks- and to be honest I haven’t missed it either. The coffee was ok, but I will be ok to continue to go without. 

   It is now around 5pm and I am sitting on the balcony about to start working on getting the new guest a schedule for the stay here. It is peaceful here, besides the next-door neighbors dogs that have been barking for –I don’t know- 2 hours or so. We all know I am a huge dog lover, but holy cow he needs to take a nap for a bit!!!  

Have a Blessed week all.
 Ashley 

Emotional Rollercoaster

   I was told before I came to be prepared to experience all kinds of emotions. And oh how this is so true. I debated about sharing this post with everyone as I have written several just for myself, but I felt like it was something worth reading.

  I am not a crier- never have been- until about a year ago when life at the time seemed in utter chaos- I cried a lot. I eventually made it through the struggle and came out on top! Then the roller coaster started as I worked daily, planning, organizing, and finalizing every possible detail for this trip. I would go from super stressed about everything, to a sense of peace, then break out in tears thinking of leaving my little and the thought of never seeing any family again. And then it was “go time”. I left everything I knew, boarded the plane, and headed off for a complete different life that I basically knew nothing about. I have already shared my first day with you all, but again I was warned the first week(s) might also be challenging as well. And again, this was very true. As I learned to adjust to my new reality and my new life here, I became ok with the idea some days would be easier than others. I am in love with what I am doing, and wouldn’t trade it for anything, but just like life in the states you have good days and you have “not so good” day. I think the real challenge is always finding something good in the “not so good days”. It’s what makes us stronger, and able to conquer them all. With all that said….. today started as the “not so good day”

   The morning started great- I woke up well rested, and had a wonderful sweat session followed by my daily frigid cold shower. Holly and I had breakfast together and shared a few laughed, and then I was off to the O.  I have pretty much become adjusted to the fact that at least one baby will be crying when I enter the doors, but holy smokes- it was complete madness. Babies in room 1 were screaming; kids were arguing in the hallway; babies in room 2 were throwing stuff out of the room- one was pulling hair, the other crying; the older kids were completely out of control; Wilson was no where close to being ready for his chair; and I could feel the tension rising amongst all staff- nannies included. 

   I went to baby room #2, gave a few hugs and tried to help as much as I could, then moved to baby room #1 where they were short a nanny. All the babies were in the bath area with the door closed, and all I could hear was just screaming and crying from all of them (13 total). I have no idea what was going on, but as I sat there waiting patiently and holding the youngest (4 month old) my frustration grew more and more. What on earth could be causing this much crying, and what were they doing in there? Rudy (my translator) isn’t here today, so that makes it so much harder on me.  I am 1 of about 4 (kids included) that speak English. FINALLY- the door open and out pops four little ones- theirs eyes catch mine, and immediately the crocodile tears go away. Wilson is finally bathed and dressed, so I took him from the nanny to help relieve as much as I could- got him in his chair and off we went.

    At that moment, Holly walked in the door and asked if everything is ok. Apparently I wore my frustration all over my face :(. She is working with Francia, but due to uncooperativeness there was no session today. I walked back to the baby room to see if Chaina was ready for our walk, but she was getting her hair fixed and I would have to wait until she was finished.

   10:30- time for Wilson to move to the wheelchair and go outside for a walk. At 11- I take him to the front room (toddler room) to hang out with the little guys until prayer time. I check back on Chaina and she’s all set to go. Shoes laced up and off we go. She did much better today, and seems to really like getting out of the baby room. Yesterday when we walked, as soon as we got close to the outside door she started crying. This is a little disturbing to me that the little ones hardly ever go outside, so slowly I am going to try and get them outside to ease this anxiety when they approach the doors. Anyways, I took Chiana back to the baby room for a quick nap. I checked on Wilson and he is in heaven as the little ones are pushing him around the room- he is all smiles:)

   Due to the more than chaotic morning, I wasn’t able to get to the older kids yet, and I wanted to help again with their schoolwork. As soon as I reached the top of the stairs, I could sense this was going to be nothing short of impossible. I would like to describe this like an episode of the TV show “Super Nanny”- you know the one that the British nanny comes in and rescues the parents because either A- they don’t know how to discipline, and/or B- the kids are so out of control they don’t know where to begin. I will throw this disclaimer in here- I am by no means judging parenting, and I don’t have children myself so I cannot say what I would or would not do. I am just stating my observations.

 Johnston, the teacher, was trying to work with one group of kids on reading, while one group was building something out of Lego’s, and another group was supposed to be doing math- but they were all over the room yelling. I took over the reading part for Johnston as he tried to get order back in the classroom. While trying to read with two of the boys, someone decided to jam their fingernails in another’s hand causing it to obviously hurt which lead to tears. Johnston put her in time out, but she thought it was funny and started dancing. I walked over to the little girl, and told her “I understand your frustrations, but you cannot jam your fingernail into someone else, and this why you are in the corner”. That went real well… NOT.

   The noon hour hit, and it was finally time for prayer- something we ALL needed today and I was hoping Esperancia was on fire for screaming the devil out of us today, because he sure was winning the battle.

   I do not sit in this session, as it is time for me to have a little praise and worship and prayer time in my own way, so I went to the porch with my music and journal and began to write. And after four songs, three pages, and a ten minute prayer time, I was ready to tackle the afternoon.

   As I stated in the beginning, I pondered the idea whether to share with you all, but you all know my good days, so you need to know my struggle days as well.

   I was about to chalk it up as just a “not so good day” until Mary Frances pulled me off to the side and asked if I would take a few photos. An adoptive family shipped their son Christmas and it finally arrived, so he was about to open it and she wanted pictures to send to the family. For those of you that don’t know me, I LOVE Christmas- pretty much everything about it- down to the shopping madness :)

   Mary Frances pulled him out of his class and we sat on the front porch while he opened his Christmas presents. And it was then again that the emotional rollercoaster hit. I was overfilled with joy and happiness that I was here to witness such a beautiful thing, and capture the happiness this little boy had from receiving a gift from home, and then to be able to share the memories with his family back in the states. We sat on the porch for about 45 minutes while he ate the melted chocolate and played with his new trucks while I read him his story from the new book. It was perfection in every way.

The joys continued as I walked out back where the older kids were sitting down for lunch and I caught them in mid prayer. They ate, took their plates to the kitchen, and quietly went to their rooms.

I ended my day rocking a few babies, getting Wilson up to his chair for another 30 minutes, and reading a few heartfelt emails I received today. My heart is full of joy and happiness.

Today might have started out on the rocks, but ended in the most perfect way possible, and for that I give Thanks.

Life here is hard, not always bright, and a challenge at times, but it is the one small moment that makes it all worth it, and to let you know there is something good in every day.

Find Happiness and Joy in each day.

One happy little Boy!!!!

Pizza and Groceries....

 I am not sure it gets any better than this…..

Today- as many of you saw from my picture, my morning didn’t start out great, but after about 10 minutes of pouting I snapped out of it, and have thoroughly enjoyed my Saturday.

It’s 4:00pm here, and I am sitting on the balcony with a full belly, a smile on my face, and a enjoying the beautiful breeze.

I had a great run this morning. I am slowly working my way up to being able to run an hour. This sounds absolutely crazy as I am sitting here typing it. I run for a solid 2 hours at home with no problem, but I am allowing my body some time to adjust to the heat. I have also calculated about 2 ½ laps per minute- so the thought of running around the house for an hour is more of a mind game than physical ability, but non the less I don’t have too much further to go. After my run, I did my 50 lunges, cooled off, and had breakfast on the patio with Holly. I must say I have one pretty awesome roomie. We went out last night, and she is like the mother hen- always making sure I am right by her side, and always inviting me to go places. Such a wonderful friend :)

I had some nice quiet time on the balcony- just music, my thoughts, and the sun roasting my slowly darkening body. Then it was off to get ready for my lunch date!!!

Today I had lunch with Roberta, and for those of you who do not know her- let me just say she is probably one of the most amazing people I have met. She has lived in Haiti for about 20 years- she is American, and has raised well over 70 children. Many of the kids are dropped at her doorstep and she welcomes them in with open arms. She teaches them English, French, Spanish, and raises them as her own- not orphans. They have High School Musical Dance Party, Sunday afternoon dinners, and are taught based on the American Learning Method (I will explain later what I have learned thus far about education here, and why I find it so difficult to teach my kids). So needless to say, she is absolutely amazing, and I am so very thankful for her, and all the new adventuring she is going to take me on!!!

So today we had lunch- she picked me up and we drove to eat some American Pizza- DOMINO’S!!!!!! Yep and it was delicious, and I ate lots!!!  After lunch she took me to Giant Supermarket- and Americanized Grocery store. They have EVERYTHING and then some. I find this exceptionally hilarious because I absolutely hate going to the grocery store in the states. Yes I know I have to eat, but walking around a store, pushing a cart, placing groceries in the cart, then taking them back out to pay, then back in the cart, pushing the cart to the car, unloading into the car, driving home, unloading yet again from the car to the house, and finally to the fridge or pantry. I mean such a process. WELL today, I was in HEAVEN. I absolutely loved it!!! I was like a kid in the candy store. They had Organic food, steamed veggies, oatmeal, gluten free goodies, and the list goes on and on. I have been craving “real” food, so I bought apples, oatmeal, steamed broccoli, gum, and a little slice of happiness (m&m’s) :).

I toughly enjoyed my day with Roberta, girl time, and just listening to her give me pointers. I have ridden a “tap-tap” and “moto” so she says- I will be just fine and I am learning quickly J.

It is absolutely beautiful here, the sun shines every day, and the warmth feels amazing on my bones.

Today has been great so far. I even received an email from sweet little Allie’s mom today checking in, and have been able to facetime my little back home. She is having a park adventure as we speak followed by a playdate this evening with Mitsu.

Life is grand. :)….. And you will all be happy to know I have been able to eliminate step #11 from the laundry….. febreeze- I did much better this week!

I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the weekend- Lucknie just got home so we are adventuring out for a bit.

Lunch date here I come... still in love with the braids... :)

Traffic is for the birds.. 

It's the little things

A little reflection

    It’s lunchtime here at the O, and for some reason today I am totally not hungry- which is surprising because for the past week and a half I couldn’t wait to eat. I think I got too hot this morning. Luckily, I brought a protein bar so I will try and get that down later on.

   Today has been great so far. This morning I went to the older kids and helped them with reading and writing. I now think I have a full understanding of teachers- and I will say Bless You. However, it is pretty awesome when the child you are working with finally reads the sentence and can spell a few of the words. I think these moments are what keeps you going back each day.

   At 10:15 it was time for Wilson to get in his standing chair. The nannies are flipping awesome. They know I am coming for him, and today he wasn’t quite ready when I came- but in a matter of about 5 minutes they bathed and dressed him. I got Wilson up to his chair, and scooted him off to class. I told the teacher-Nathay- I would be back in 30 mins…… well I forgot him (let’s say lost track of time- there- that sounds better. I was with the older kids working on reading, so at least I had a legit excuse). Anyways- he was in the chair for 45 mins!!!!!!!  He was rocking it- was still smiling when I came to get him.

   I reeived an email from Christy (president of FHG- for his glory) asking for another video of the kids holding some signs I had made. It is again for Amy- from the Bobby Bones show- in case you are familiar with them. She was asking for me to video the kids holding the signs and try and get as many in the video as possible. Well let me just say the kids were great. The stood in place, didn’t move a muscle, and I was able to caputre 3 videos!!!  Hopefully, one of those will be good enough to use. I am supposed to get a copy- so when I do, I will share with you all.

    Then we hit the noon hour- prayer time. While the kids and nannies are in the baby room- I use this time to sneak off on the porch for some quiet time myself. A little praise and worship and journaling. As I sat on the porch today, I couldn’t help but to think how different my life is today than it was 2 weeks ago. If you remember I did an entry titled 2 weeks and counting….. I read it today and it made me smile. I am in love with my new life, and I thank God each and every moment for hanging me this incrediable opportunity. The opportunity of a lifetime.

   This afternoon we have a soccer game planned and jump rope competition. Who could ask for anything better.

I am finally in a routinue and have been spending lots of time adventuring around Haiti.

And just now I hear the kiddos singing 10,000 reasons- the exact song I was listening to earlier during prayer time……

Blessing to you all.

    Ashley