The reality…
So I have now sat down three different times to write this post. Once at three weeks back stateside, the other about two weeks ago and now this one
tonight. Lets hope it actually makes it to the publish option.
Each section is from the different times I sat down and decided
to leave it alone. I hope it isn't too confusing :)
I have been back in the states for a little over 3 weeks with
only spending one night back in my condo for the first time since Feb 6th.
I have been staying with friends or traveling with the family. I got used to
community living so the thought of living solo is a little much so I just have
“sleepovers” with everyone!!
The transition is going…. Some days better than others, but I am
trying to adjust. My biggest struggle right now is having the mindset of “it
doesn’t even matter.” If you read the last blog I shared my experience with
Francis Chan and the dramatic impact his beliefs have over my life. Francis
talks a lot about moving His Kingdom forward and making disciples. So I keep
asking myself, am I doing this. Am I seeking His desires for my life and not
getting wrapped up in the “cultural” lifestyle.
I went to my house on the 4th day of being back stateside, and
I sat in my basement for about an hour disgusted with the amount of unnecessary
stuff that I have and thought at one point I needed. I have always been a
clothes person- not as bad as some, but after wearing the same outfits for 3
months you understand that you do not need a surplus of clothes. I eventually got
myself together and started the purge process. I do not need all of these
clothes, bags, shoes, household items, and all the miscellaneous house décor. So
slowly I packed things up and sold them.
So this transition period is taking a little longer than I
thought. I go back to work tomorrow. I was originally supposed to go back
Monday the 5th but due to Nathan going to NC for a summer job I was
excused from work and made the trip with Mom and Nathan. So now I sit here with
tears rolling down my cheeks because I want so bad to not have to go back. I
mean don’t get me wrong, I have a good job, it pays the bills, but I left for a
reason. I wanted a change and felt the calling to go- go serve others, and let
someone else deal with physicians and the new government standards. I
accomplished this in Haiti. See the difference is- the providers and staff that
I work with have the ability to feed themselves, bathe themselves, and seek
medical care- my kids don’t. I was needed there- here I was missed, but not
needed. Big difference. They did just fine with me gone. Scary thought, because I am still in
school and need the job to pay the bills and such and I do work with some
pretty cool peoples, BUT they survived while I was gone. They did it- it might have been a change in pace or thought process, but they made it!
Well- that was not a fun day. I arrived at work around 9 am, sat
in the office with the doors closed for an hour and after a 30 minute freak out
session I had to leave. I scurried out the back door praying for nobody to see
me, and thankfully I made it. I took a small walk around campus before meeting
up with a few friends after one of their meetings. I lasted there about another hour,
and then left. I couldn’t do it- I tried to listen and care about what was
being said, and the new changes, but it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. All
I could think about was Wilson, and Benchina, and Wilda, and the triplets, and
Job, and Peterson, and Elysee, and Elie, and Jean Marc, and Josue, and the 65
of them. And I wondered how they were doing, did they go outside and play
today, did they sit in their highchairs to eat, did they learn any new Math
skills, were they being “good”, were the toys that I left being played
with????? And in my mind, a complaint
coming from a person that drove themselves to a job wearing clean clothes and
had a full belly seemed so silly. Nobody gets it. Does it really make a
difference in the Grande scheme of things that you are not able to dictate a
letter without touching a key stroke, or that now you actually have to order
your own desired test for a patient?????? Now don't get me wrong, modern medicine is pretty freaking awesome, and I am thankful I am apart of it. It has saved so many lives, and part of the reason I went into Nursing. I am just on a different page now.......
The wrong attitude- I know, so that’s why I left. I went home
that day, took Izzy for a nice long walk, chatted with my housemates, prayed a
lot, and decided to give it another try tomorrow.
So here is the latest news:
Looking back on that week I knew it was God’s way of getting me
in gear. I had been living in no mans land for weeks. I got myself registered for school again, processed things out with my renter, moved back in my house, worked on the adjustment with Izzy, found a new church, and started writing- writing a lot. But I hadn't really reached out much to anyone about doing more in Haiti or other opportunities. And it wasn't until the first full week of work that I started researching I researched every possibly organization known to man, ways to get involved, connected with countless people who needed help, emailed medical directors, nurses,and friends. I researched, and I researched, and I learned. I learned so much about organizations and their goals and passions. And I have been in contact with about 10 different organizations that are
in need of help- most of them medical. I have been overwhelmed with joy when I
look at my inbox and every title is Help in Haiti.
So to save you the boring details of the rest of my transition and
the daily struggles (not really boring to me- its been a struggle) I will share
my good news!!!!
I AM GOING BACK TO HAITI!!!!
It is only for a week this time, but I am ecstatic. I am going
to visit an organization to see if we are a “fit” for one another and discuss
opportunities for the near future J I am
also getting to see and stay with Holly and the girls, visit my kiddos and have
a few days to visit all my friends!!!
And thanks to a wonderful generous soul, my flight costs have
been minimal (not working for 3 months and then paying for school tuition
killed the money tree out back).
The details:
I fly out June 14th and cannot wait. I re-read my
last post and smiled. The last sentence reads- my adventure isn’t over- its
just the beginning. I have doubted this statement a lot over the past month,
but I knew He was working and my patience would have to hold me through. It is
always on His timing.
So I will ask you to stay tuned, as you know I will keep you all posted on the
details and my week there. And pray as I have several “things” up my sleeve and
waiting on confirmation before I jump……
YAY a happy smile :)
BTW- I haven't told the little yet...... she isn't going to be happy.....
