Reflection

It is Monday afternoon around 4:30- the time I would be getting home from the O. I am sitting on the porch listening to wind-chimes blowing in the wind and reflecting on my last 3 months. I have had a lot of time to sit and reflect and I am in constant awe of my life right now. I left Nashville TN almost 3 months ago in a state of distress and not in a good place. I had a lot of shame, guilt, anger, and questioned everything that crossed my path. I wanted answers and to understand the "why ". 

I left for Haiti on February 8th with no desire to ever return. I was secretly praying that God would use this time to show me how I could permanently live in Haiti and never have to return to the States. I thought, "of course I would miss family, but I can fly back once or twice a year and visit for a few weeks." Haiti is where I belong and where I need to be. They need me- they need my knowledge, and my skills, and I can make this country better. I needed an escape- an escape from reality. A time to reflect and to figure things out. And so I left. 

The weeks leading up to the move were challenging to say the least. I had so much to finalize, say my goodbyes, try to keep emotions in check, and process out my life. I boarded the plane with excitement, but scared out of my mind. Is this actually happening, am I really leaving, will I ever return, and what happens if something happens to Izzy or a family member. I am thankful for the people on the flight that wanted to converse- they helped me let go of my worry, and chill out. 

Over the past 3 months I have gone through just about every emotion possible. I cried the entire first week there (at bed time)  I spent days/weeks begging God to show me my future and to fix me. I prayed like I have never prayed before for a new future, to let go of the past, to guide me to doing His will, and to be something to these children. I searched high and low for every possible way to stay in Haiti. I came up with many ideas of what I was going to do, and what I wanted to do. 

The month of February, God was teaching me to be still, giving me the ability to sit and be ok with just sitting, and teaching me how to pray. My mom bought all the women in my family the Beth Moore- 10 week devotional for Christmas. Courtney and I were planning on doing this while I was gone. I started mine the day I left. I was gone exactly 70 days- the devotional was exactly 70 days. Each day, the message was exactly what I needed, and I used this month to dig in and read as well as adjust to my new lifestyle. 

The month of March was busy- really busy. The Pfaff family arrived, the Texas team of 14 arrived, Tawnya and her team of 3 arrived, Julie and her daughter arrived, and then there was Holly, Lucknie, and myself. I learned a lot about each individual person, but I also had a lot of unexplained emotion I was dealing with as well. Things at the O were not going in a way I desired, I let my frustrations, worry, and doubt overrule my thought process a few days. I was playing hostess to a lot of people, and felt this huge sense of responsibility and along trying to understand my purpose for this journey, and where did I fit into this organized chaos. I continued with my devotionals, but fell short a few days. The days I missed were meant to be missed, because when I actually got it it (usually a day late) it was the message I needed to hear at the exact moment. I like to think of March as my "split wide open" month. Everything was coming out- in a raw form. And I was learning how to process it all in the mix of a house full of people, 70 kids, 65 Haitian adults, and in a chaotic environment. When family would send e-mails or texts saying how much they missed me- I hated replying back. I didn't miss it. I had my heels dug in the sand with no desire of returning. The thought even made me sick to my stomach. 

If you have been reading any of these blogs, then you know Holly. Holly is my roomie, and now my best friend. She was my vessel, and I think I was hers. It took me a bit to open up and share my story with her, but I have learned that everyone has ghosts in their closets, and just like me- Holly is human. We have spent more time than I can recall in deep conversations about life, our Heavenly Father, our purpose, and our passions. On April 6th, a video sermon by Francis Chan was shared with me. It was a Sunday. The morning and day were very busy, and we had just celebrated my birthday the night before. I was so behind on laundry that when we got home from church and our outings I went outside to wash my clothes. Holly had plans that evening to visit some friends, so I decided when she left I would watch the sermon. I sat there for the entire hour and a half in silence. I listened, participated as though I was in the front row, and I experienced emotions leaving my body that I didn't know I was holding on it. I let it all out. When I finally lifted up my head and wiped my eyes, I felt a hundred pounds lighter. My heart felt whole, my mind was clear, and for the first time in over a year I felt peace. 

For the next 3 weeks instead of dreading my departure I was actually looking forward to returning. I had been cleansed and given a new life. I was on fire. I just finished reading the book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and I highly recommend it to everyone. The past year I have been on a mission to figure out my purpose in the world. I was created to do more than wake up, work out, sit in meetings, go home, sleep and do it all over again. There is so much more to life, and I am ready to see it unravel before my eyes. Francis Chan hits the nail on the head in his book and teachings, and I found myself saying YES to so much of what he was saying. In addition to his teaching, I have watched several documentaries- one in particular titled I AM. The director of the film helps to address two questions- "whats wrong with our world, and what can we do to make it better?" The puzzle pieces are forming...... 

The last few days in Haiti were memorable, and I have been so blessed by every. single. person. I have been in contact with over the last 3 moths. I landed stateside Saturday around 12:30, passed customs and immigration, re-checked bags, went through security, and boarded my flight to Nashville with a smile. I was going home. I have no idea what my future holds, but I know I am surrendering to His will and will go where He says "Go". 

I would like to thank each individual person who made this journey a reality for me. For those who followed along, donated money and supplies, those who prayed, sent emails, shared their stories, listened to where my heart was all along the way, took care of all my stateside life (bills, the little, my house, work, etc), prayed with me, laughed with me, took care of me, and most importantly loved me, THANK YOU. Without each of you this would not have been possible. My gratitude for this is immeasurable!

My journey is not over, it is just beginning. 

See you Soon

  Friday afternoon I said my good-byes to the kiddos. I had been preparing for my departure all week long so it wouldn’t be so hard on all of us Friday afternoon. The day started out like all the others. Wilson was up in his chair, the babies on the front porch, the little kids outside playing, and the other kids playing soccer and Frisbee. It was Good Friday so there was no school. I loved it- a complete free day for us to reflect on the real reason for Easter and a day for us to play together before my departure.

We spent the entire day together. I finalized up a few Admin things, communicated some things to Pierre, and then spent my day hanging out with all of the kids. We colored, played soccer, talked about what I would do in the states, and their anticipation of their homecomings.  I fed the babies lunch, rocked them all a bit, played superman with them, ate fruit snacks with the toddlers, and polished up on my mass diaper changing skills one last time.

The day was great. I kept my mind busy so I wouldn’t think about not seeing these little rugrats for a long time.

I left the O around 4:30. It wasn’t as hard as I had imagined and I was super proud of myself for not sheading any tears in front of the kids. I think the “I will see you soon” thought process I kept telling myself helped me get through this. The reality is- I may not see then soon, or ever worse, ever again. I think this hit when the gates to the house opened up. I walked up to my room and just sat there- tears rolling down my face, but a smile on my face. I was sad to leave the kids, but I knew that during my stay, they were loved, cared for, happy, and made a priority. If I only touched one child my entire journey, then it was worth it. I went into this trip with the mindset of I am going to teach them everything about hygiene, diseases, cleanliness, etc. What I did not expect is for them to give me more than I could have imagined and so much more than I gave them. I sat there and looked over my photos, and knew that one child was touched, Benchina. Benchina was a quiet, shy, depressed looking little girl when I arrived. The pictures below is my first week with her- the first time she let me hold her, the first time she let me take her outside without crying. The third picture is my last day. She has made the biggest transition, her brain has been stimulated, her spirit is alive, and she is the happiest little girl. The tears went away as I kept scrolling through the pictures. 

My Good Morning Greeting :)

I knew this part of my journey was complete, and I could do nothing but rejoice. I have been given a new life because of 68 beautiful hearts overwhelmingly full of love.  I pray I touched their lives as much as they did mine.

Until next time. I will see you all soon :):):)  

Les Cayes

This past week I had the privilege of going to Les Cayes. If you are not familiar with this area- go look it up. It is countryside- like no electricity, donkeys everywhere, cleaner air, and the most amazing beaches. Les Cayes, is a town and seaport in southwestern Haiti, with a population of approximately 45,904 people. At the end of Les Cayes is a small place called Port Salut. Holly has wanted to go here, and we now had the opportunity. And across the island is a little place called Ile A Vache- which is rated 57^th most beautiful beach from CNN.

We left Monday morning around 8:45. Went to the airport and picked up a small (9 person) American group who were going to Les Cayes as well- except they are a short term team and working at an O for the week. Les Cayes is about 3 hours from Port Au Prince. I spent the drive there with my head buried in my new book that I can’t seem to get enough of, but there was also a time of prayer and lots of emotions. If you have ever been to Haiti then you know about the driving and lack of traffic laws. I have been super shocked to not have witnessed any wrecks, except for now- when we passed 2 really bad ones. One of the wrecks involving the death of a child. There is a point in the book I am reading where Francis Chan talks about our life being so short, and it was ironic that I was reading this very section as we passed the body covered and lying on the payment. For most of the remaining drive I sat and tried to understand why, but I know there is a bigger plan, and over these past 3 months I have learned to let the worry go, and know He is always in control.

 We arrived late afternoon, dropped off the team, and then went to a restaurant on the beach- Jelly Beach. Our diver, Robert, is good friends with our friends Mitch and Ducans so luckily for us we had transportation and they took us to chill for the evening with them on the beach. We were exhausted, but it was so wonderful to see the beach. It wasn’t as clean as I was hoping for, and I was pretty turned off after seeing a few “dirty” things, but none the less- it was the beach. We ate, walked around a bit, and then heading to the hotel. Now before you all get excited- let me give you some information about this hotel. We arrived around 9:30pm (remember no electricity for most of the town) so it was extremely dark, not much lighting, and to be honest it looked sketch. But I trusted our Haitians buddies and went with it. We walked in our room, which thankfully had a light (pink color!) and started to get settled. It was at this moment that I knew I was super spoiled living in the guesthouse. I officially took my first bucket shower :) and with our fan on, Holly and I slowly fell asleep. It was an eventful day, but I had no idea this was the beginning on the most “Haitian”  I would experience.

I didn’t sleep much- not used to sharing a bed with my roomie- Holly- and I think I had a lot on my mind. Thankfully- the rooster started his shift at approximately 5am, so by 5:30 everyone was awake. And it was raining. After walking (tap-tap) to breakfast, Mitch’s cousin picked us up and we headed back to the hotel to grab our things and head to Port Salut.

Port Salut is a coastal town in the Sud Department of Haiti and the hometown of Haiti's deposed president, Jean-Bertrand Artistide who was born there in 1953 and the Prime Minister Jean-Marie Cherestal. Port-Salut is a popular destination for local Haitians as well as tourists to a certain degree seeking relaxation and tranquility due to the beautiful beaches that the town is surrounded by. The air is amazingly clean and fresh and the scenery is amazing. We arrived around 1:30 in the afternoon and spent the afternoon in the ocean, eating delicious fresh seafood, and soaking up the rays. We arrived back to the hotel around 9pm, and bucket bathed :) and crashed.

Again- rooster shift change at 5 am, and we were up and at it. We had planned to go to visit Mitch’s family Wednesday but we got back late Tuesday and with no transportation, it didn’t happen. We instead decided to tag along with Elizabeth and her group. She is an American who brings teams in to work and then at the end of the week she takes them to see the beauty that Haiti really is- something I am so grateful for. Haiti is an absolutely amazing Caribbean Island, and it is so much more than sick hungry orphans. Since we woke again to rain, we waited a bit before departing. Elizabeth and her team already left, so we were left to sort of wing it. This is the part of the trip that gets interesting- really interesting.

So lets begin from the beginning- we took a tap tap from the hotel to the downtown area, walked in the supermarket to exchange some American money for goudes, then hoped on a moto to the port to catch the boat over to Ile A Vache. When we went to the port Monday- we (Holly and I) were under the impression we would be taking an actual boat- like a boat you and I are both thinking about. Well, this was not the case. Our moto driver dropped us off on the other side- the side where all the Haitians get on a boat to ride over. Holly, Ducans, and I stood there while Mitch worked out the details. We would be taking a small boat over to the other side- ok- that works. Well…. I am not sure any of knew what this meant. The four of us got in this boat along with 30 other people. Holly and I being the only white people.  The boat was about the size of a canoe with a motor. We were packed in like sardines- four to a row. I literally sat there and thought this is what it was like on the Titanic before it sank!- something I really didn’t want to be thinking, especially in a boat with this many people, many of which do not swim. Finally, after sitting there packing in more and more people we set sail. An hour into the boat ride, my butt was completely numb, left foot feeling was long gone, and my anxiety was creeping in. 10 more minutes passed, 20 minutes passed, and then finally an hour and a half later we arrived. I really wish I could have documented this day with video and pictures, because it would give a much better presentation of the day we had, but that was not possible, so bear with me as I try to describe my emotions, scenery, and thoughts. 

We stepped off the boat into a whole other world. I was told that at some point during my stay I will grow frustrated with the touching, lack of personal space, and being whistled at- well my day hit. I just wanted to walk off the boat and figure out how to get back to the other side of Ile A Vache- where Elizabeth and her team were, because they were obviously not here. I was being a complete American Snob. I was tired, over the boat ride, hot, thirsty, and over the constant in your face Haitians. Mitch got us a few moto drivers and we started off to the other side- but didn’t get very far due to a flat tire. Instead of hoping on a different driver- we waited for ours since he was promised the funds. About half way there we wrecked- nothing too serious, and then we encounted a manifestation (protesting). I did not like this at all, and this was the first time in my 10 weeks I felt unsafe. Me, Mitch, Holly, Ducans, and the 2 moto drivers were covered with protesting Haitians in the middle of nowhere with nowhere to go. They were chanting, swarming us, and acting out. At this point in the trip- I was emotionless. The boat ride was less than desirable, I was so thirsty my mouth felt like sandpaper, and my anxiety levels were way out of comfort levels. I sat there with a “get the hell out of my way” look on my face and prayed quietly to myself. After about 10 minutes, one of the protesting Haitians moved out of the way and our moto driver took off, but only to be stopped by a lady chanting something. After another few minutes we were finally free. Another 10 minutes later we arrived at a place called Port Morgan. And they had some water- thank heavens. This place was super quiet, beautiful views, and had a wonderful feel to it. However, Elizabeth and her team were at the other beach- so back on the moto’s and off we went. I had something in the pit of my stomach about my driver and I totally did not want to be on the back anymore. And due to the horrible driving conditions we walked most of the time anyways. Well against better judgment I got back on, and about 3 minutes into the ride, he wrecked again except this time my right leg sizzled on the burning hot muffler. Totally not fun nor did it feel good, and after that I walked the rest of the way. I know it wasn’t his fault, but at the time I was not a happy camper and thankfully he could not understand English because I know my words would have hurt his feelings. Part of this frustration was because I didn’t bring ANY medical stuff with me, and knew I should have. 

I was ecstatic when we finally saw the water, beach, and Mitch met up with Elizabeth. FINALLY- the madness was over and we were staying put for the day. The rest of the day was spent in the water (saltwater does a wonder for burns), meeting new people, and enjoying the sun and scenery. So 5 pm hits, and we shower off…… and miss the boat back to Les Cayes. Lovely- :( there has to be another one right….. yeah not so much unless you want to pay a ridiculous amount. So we sat, and sat, and then finally were able to get in touch with someone who would take us back for a reasonable price, and we left the island. The sunset was a pretty sight to watch as we trucked across the ocean. We arrived back in Les Cayes, and unfortunately since it was so late, no tap tap’s were running, so it was moto time :( Thankfully- this one was a good driver, and we made it safe and sound.

Now- we had to figure out how we were going to get back to Port Au Prince. Robert, our diver from Port Au Prince to Les Cayes, popped in my head and to our surprise he was about to make the trip back so at 10:30pm we loaded up and hit the road back.

3:00 am we arrived back to the guesthouse, and I have never been so excited to see this home. I was wide awake, so I read and then just started laughing at the day. A day that will go down in the books, and one that in a few years we will all look back on and smile.

The beaches were beautiful and I am so thankful to have been given the opportunity to experience this. It was the perfect ending to this amazing journey I have been on. I was able to be still, have time to think and process, and smile at how amazing our Creator is and the life He is providing for me. I am extremely blessed in all aspects.

His Love Never Fails