Reflection

It is Monday afternoon around 4:30- the time I would be getting home from the O. I am sitting on the porch listening to wind-chimes blowing in the wind and reflecting on my last 3 months. I have had a lot of time to sit and reflect and I am in constant awe of my life right now. I left Nashville TN almost 3 months ago in a state of distress and not in a good place. I had a lot of shame, guilt, anger, and questioned everything that crossed my path. I wanted answers and to understand the "why ". 

I left for Haiti on February 8th with no desire to ever return. I was secretly praying that God would use this time to show me how I could permanently live in Haiti and never have to return to the States. I thought, "of course I would miss family, but I can fly back once or twice a year and visit for a few weeks." Haiti is where I belong and where I need to be. They need me- they need my knowledge, and my skills, and I can make this country better. I needed an escape- an escape from reality. A time to reflect and to figure things out. And so I left. 

The weeks leading up to the move were challenging to say the least. I had so much to finalize, say my goodbyes, try to keep emotions in check, and process out my life. I boarded the plane with excitement, but scared out of my mind. Is this actually happening, am I really leaving, will I ever return, and what happens if something happens to Izzy or a family member. I am thankful for the people on the flight that wanted to converse- they helped me let go of my worry, and chill out. 

Over the past 3 months I have gone through just about every emotion possible. I cried the entire first week there (at bed time)  I spent days/weeks begging God to show me my future and to fix me. I prayed like I have never prayed before for a new future, to let go of the past, to guide me to doing His will, and to be something to these children. I searched high and low for every possible way to stay in Haiti. I came up with many ideas of what I was going to do, and what I wanted to do. 

The month of February, God was teaching me to be still, giving me the ability to sit and be ok with just sitting, and teaching me how to pray. My mom bought all the women in my family the Beth Moore- 10 week devotional for Christmas. Courtney and I were planning on doing this while I was gone. I started mine the day I left. I was gone exactly 70 days- the devotional was exactly 70 days. Each day, the message was exactly what I needed, and I used this month to dig in and read as well as adjust to my new lifestyle. 

The month of March was busy- really busy. The Pfaff family arrived, the Texas team of 14 arrived, Tawnya and her team of 3 arrived, Julie and her daughter arrived, and then there was Holly, Lucknie, and myself. I learned a lot about each individual person, but I also had a lot of unexplained emotion I was dealing with as well. Things at the O were not going in a way I desired, I let my frustrations, worry, and doubt overrule my thought process a few days. I was playing hostess to a lot of people, and felt this huge sense of responsibility and along trying to understand my purpose for this journey, and where did I fit into this organized chaos. I continued with my devotionals, but fell short a few days. The days I missed were meant to be missed, because when I actually got it it (usually a day late) it was the message I needed to hear at the exact moment. I like to think of March as my "split wide open" month. Everything was coming out- in a raw form. And I was learning how to process it all in the mix of a house full of people, 70 kids, 65 Haitian adults, and in a chaotic environment. When family would send e-mails or texts saying how much they missed me- I hated replying back. I didn't miss it. I had my heels dug in the sand with no desire of returning. The thought even made me sick to my stomach. 

If you have been reading any of these blogs, then you know Holly. Holly is my roomie, and now my best friend. She was my vessel, and I think I was hers. It took me a bit to open up and share my story with her, but I have learned that everyone has ghosts in their closets, and just like me- Holly is human. We have spent more time than I can recall in deep conversations about life, our Heavenly Father, our purpose, and our passions. On April 6th, a video sermon by Francis Chan was shared with me. It was a Sunday. The morning and day were very busy, and we had just celebrated my birthday the night before. I was so behind on laundry that when we got home from church and our outings I went outside to wash my clothes. Holly had plans that evening to visit some friends, so I decided when she left I would watch the sermon. I sat there for the entire hour and a half in silence. I listened, participated as though I was in the front row, and I experienced emotions leaving my body that I didn't know I was holding on it. I let it all out. When I finally lifted up my head and wiped my eyes, I felt a hundred pounds lighter. My heart felt whole, my mind was clear, and for the first time in over a year I felt peace. 

For the next 3 weeks instead of dreading my departure I was actually looking forward to returning. I had been cleansed and given a new life. I was on fire. I just finished reading the book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and I highly recommend it to everyone. The past year I have been on a mission to figure out my purpose in the world. I was created to do more than wake up, work out, sit in meetings, go home, sleep and do it all over again. There is so much more to life, and I am ready to see it unravel before my eyes. Francis Chan hits the nail on the head in his book and teachings, and I found myself saying YES to so much of what he was saying. In addition to his teaching, I have watched several documentaries- one in particular titled I AM. The director of the film helps to address two questions- "whats wrong with our world, and what can we do to make it better?" The puzzle pieces are forming...... 

The last few days in Haiti were memorable, and I have been so blessed by every. single. person. I have been in contact with over the last 3 moths. I landed stateside Saturday around 12:30, passed customs and immigration, re-checked bags, went through security, and boarded my flight to Nashville with a smile. I was going home. I have no idea what my future holds, but I know I am surrendering to His will and will go where He says "Go". 

I would like to thank each individual person who made this journey a reality for me. For those who followed along, donated money and supplies, those who prayed, sent emails, shared their stories, listened to where my heart was all along the way, took care of all my stateside life (bills, the little, my house, work, etc), prayed with me, laughed with me, took care of me, and most importantly loved me, THANK YOU. Without each of you this would not have been possible. My gratitude for this is immeasurable!

My journey is not over, it is just beginning.